Less Grief

What exactly is the meaning of Less Grief?

I write this because I’m currently in the moment. It’s happening right now. Frankly the assertion, the very statement ”less grief” is more of a wish, than a commitment, because honestly I don’t think the idea of subscribing to “less grief” is a very achievable goal, at least right now.

We all, at some time, experience things that result in our grieving. We grieve. We experience grief. Can you recall a time where you felt loss, and grieved? Loss comes in many shades, many forms. We grieve over people, places, pets, things, ideas…we all have different thresholds over what we can endure, and when we grieve.

Who can really be the judge of what kind of loss constitutes what amount of grief?

No one can. That’s who.

Still, of all the types of loss that can occur, I cannot fathom the idea of literally bearing a life—giving birth–and having that life taken away. Ending. No matter what the reason. The life you’ve created through the miracle of birth, ended. Why should a parent ever have to bear the loss of their child?

Yet it happens. Every day. Somewhere, it happens.

Granted, I’ve not been graced with the opportunity to have created a life. I’ve merely cared deeply for lives with my all. So I try to put myself into the mindset of creating a life, and what that would look like for me. Immediately I can see why I was passed over in the privilege of procreation. I would have been a child’s nightmare. The Mom from hell. I would have been hovering beyond belief, making my kid crazy with my overprotectiveness and control over every little detail. I would have tried to make sure I had everything under total control all the time, to ensure my child was safe, protected, resting easy. With all measures in place, doing the best I know how to keep my baby from harm. Nothing would ever get by me….oh my poor kid!

Envisioning that world of crazy, out of control control, micro managing our lives….to put out all that effort….. day after day…
All that, and still having my child’s life taken from me? That, hands down, seems to be the absolute most difficult grief to bear.

While I attempt to put myself into a dear friends grief and loss, a loss so un-necessary, unfair, unexpected, and tragic, imagining how that would feel…showing empathy for her pain…..imagining the cold steely knife to the heart feeling of losing her youngest boy, her barely a man baby boy…..over 18 years of forming that life like a potter on their wheel creating their most unique piece of work…..

Suddenly it happens.
Instantly, I simultaneously, systematically without any forewarning what so ever, dredge up from within, my own losses. Every.
Single.
One.
From most recent to long ago. My mind is invaded with recollections. Out they come. From Angel, Holly, and Sunny Girls recent deaths to break ups, to jobs, opportunities, and unexplained letting go’s of people, places and things. Everything I thought I already dealt with, everything I know I didn’t deal with, and everything in between. They are all spilling out right there in front of me as though they just happened. Totally unintentional!
One big sad pile of loss.

Stealing the sanctity of my friends fresh, precious loss, turning it into my personal re-lived pain. All in the privacy of my mind. Trying to hold it in, yet draining me on the outside in ways I’m just plain embarrassed to experience.

How selfish of me to be grieving for everything in my world, over my entire life, when her world is right here, right now, falling apart in utter unbearable grief?

So there it is.
Grieving a loss.
Is this the human condition? Is this normal? Does the compassion within us, manifest into an internal reflection of our own pain, drawing us back and center to the origin of devastation once again, no matter how much time has passed? A thing that can happen over and over, when one least expects? Just when you thought you were “over it”?

Yes I believe it is the human condition. Our nature tells us to breathe compassion and empathy to others. Give fully, without question, provide a life line, an anchor in the whirling twisting storm of loss.
But equally kind is to give that to ourselves. We need to allow ourselves the same courtesy. Room to breathe. Room to grieve. However long that may be.

Because the truth is we will never “get over it”. Time simply eases a little bit of the sting.

So we stand strong and supportive, gently putting back to rest that sad pile of loss, comforting those we care about that are in the fresh, paralyzing throws of that absolute giant void–loss of life–ripping at their heart, and pulling them down. Knowing what they have ahead of them. Doing our best to give support and space without judgement or opinion. Just be there.
Just.
Be.
There.

Because grieving a loss has no timeline, no rules, no stipulations, no on and off switch. It is what it is, for each of us. NO one can tell us when it’s time to be done. We may never be done. We simply need to acknowledge it, sit with it, roll with it, honor it, and allow it to unfold when it presents itself. Hopefully with the loving support of others, and many programs and agencies available to lend a hand, we can feel safe to express our feelings, share our heartache without being judged, or advised. If we can let go and lean in a little, eventually lessening the weight of that pain a little, we may find just a little comfort and solace in our grieving, and start to heal our hearts, little by little. Or maybe we remain a hot mess until….?

While I support the concept of “Less is More, More or Less” I am grateful that, perhaps it does not apply to loss and grief except in its own organic way of evolving over time.
My heart goes out to my dear friend, and extends to all who have experienced loss and grieved.

Have you experienced loss? What are the feelings of loss like for you?
What is grieving like for you?

Thank you for reading my post. Did it strike a chord for you or did it seem far and away from your own perspective? I’d love to hear your thoughts! All comments are greatly appreciated. You can read about all sorts of ideas, opinions and feelings from the heart and soul of an outdoorswoman… there are lots of topics covered in my blog category, “Girl Outdoors”. If you like what you see, please let me know by “liking” my website. You can even join my tribe to automatically receive new postings ‘hot off the press’. There’s a place to do that right on my website homepage. As always, please feel free to share my information with others who may find interest and value in PR Brady AdVentures! Thanks again!

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Thank you for reading my post. What do you dream about seeing, doing, being?  Got a bucket list? A life plan?  Want to start one?  I’d love to help you get there, check out my services.  The first step to believing ‘opportunities are endless’ is sometimes not as hard if you grab some inspiration under my blog category, “Bucket of Limitless Possibilities”.  If you like what you see, please let me know by “liking” my website. All comments are greatly appreciated.  You can even join my tribe to automatically receive new postings ‘hot off the press’.  There’s a place to do that right on my website homepage.  As always, please feel free to share my information with others who may find interest and value in PR Brady AdVentures!  Thanks again!

Comments

  1. Michele Bergh says

    Watching someone lose a child is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Your friend is lucky to have someone like you to support her through this difficult time. Grieving is hard for me – as I am sure it is for all – but I am not sure I ever fully grieve. I feel it come on and let it linger only briefly before sending it on its way. The depth of it feels like too much…like I may never come back from it if I allowed all of it to show up.

  2. thank you so much for taking the time to help me get through this difficult time! I couldn’t make it without you. You are truly one of a kind and I appreciate you!

    • Just know you’re never alone in this. When your heart is so heavy you cannot bear it, don’t be afraid to lay it down and reach out for support. You have so very many people with arms wide open to you. We are all here for you.

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