Broke and Broken

Just completed my 2016-17 business season. It’s done.  It looks great.  It’s all positive.  Now I can let out a heavy sigh and relax for a second.

It’s been a rough 2016.

My elephant is kicking my butt.

One step forward, three steps back.

I’m tired.

I’m disappointed.

I’m worried.

I’m worn out.

Swinging into the air, not hitting a thing.

The negative list is about burying me alive.

And then there’s today.

Two years ago today, lost my hunting partner. Still miss him so.

This spring, after barely a year, lost my new hunting partner.

With just those two things, I’ve lost that important piece of unconditional love and willingness to be with me come thick and thin. The hole in my heart is epic.

Lost my vehicle–it died, leaving me stranded across the country.

Lost financial security, gained a truck and a debt I’ll die trying to pay.

Lost good health, got super sick, and it’s still taking months to recover.

Lost over half of my business tangibles.

Lost trust of many things.

Lost respect for…certain things.

Drowning in worry about ongoing problems with Angel and Sunny Girl.

Slammed with financial strife I wasn’t expecting or able to deal with.

Pummeled with mega costly home owner issues.

Everything seems to be breaking all around me, including me.

Lost a huge “window of opportunity” to launch new business ventures.

Knocked down with new, painful, and frustrating health issues.

Feeling vulnerable, isolated, overwhelmed, alone, helpless.

I am broke, and I am broken.

Feels like a good time to throw in the proverbial towel.

But I just can’t.

I won’t.

After all.

It could be worse.

It.

Could.

Always.

Be.

Worse.

As I sit here with my leg elevated on ice, wishing I could be somewhere, anywhere else, my mind fills with thoughts of back to the days not so long ago, when I didn’t feel like this. Back when I was on top, upbeat, strong and independent.  Back when I felt normal.  After all, I have an exciting new business season to implement.   I need to be normal again.  I need to be strong again.

And I will.

Strong independent people are a strange breed. Sure, we’re together, confident and usually positive to be round, but we are still human. I think most of us also have a dark side.  Some of us perhaps a secret side, one we don’t even admit to ourselves.  A part of us that just can’t accept defeat.  So we push harder to do more, achieve more, conquer more. We don’t often ask for help, no matter how bad we need it.  We will go to the ends of the earth to ‘get it done’ no matter what.  Find the answer.  Achieve the goal.  Maybe we will invite others along for the ride, and oh what a fun ride it is, but it’s always our ride.  Hands gripped to the wheel and steering the ship, we will lock into that determination mode whether it’s good or bad for us.  And we will push aside any indication that we’re entering the “overload” zone until we’re about crazy. We hang on to our crazy like a pit bull on a mission, writhing and clawing until we’re about spent. The more we excel, the more we do, or achieve, the higher the risk for something to go wrong.  So when we’ve maxed out and something does go wrong, all hell has the potential to unleash.  Too stubborn to give in.  Once we get an idea into our heads, too stubborn to give it up.

Strong independent people aren’t supposed to cave. Then we’re no fun to be around. No one wants to go on that ride. We’re not supposed to fall down and not be able to get up.  We’re supposed to magically never have a down day.  Never struggle, be unhappy, or question our purpose in this world.  Just keep all the balls in the air.  Have all the answers.  Unlimited energy. Just keep doing.  Creating. Initiating.  Planning.  Managing.   We’re the ones making things happen, making the calls.  Putting it all together.  After all, if we don’t do it, who will?  It’s not like there’s someone to “hand the baton” to.  Strong independent people are expected to be…strong independent people.

And when the day comes that we do fall down…

And the dust finally settles…..

Yes, the echo of our own voice is often all there is.

We find ourselves on the ground in a pathetic little heap, baton clutched in hand.

Alone.

Again.

When we crash, we really, really crash.

Like a tree falling in the woods. Who knows?

As I sit back with my leg elevated on ice, I realize what makes me so strong is an unexplainable inner drive. Almost an “I dare you to get through this” inner challenge to myself.  Perhaps it’s from being a resourceful, only child growing up.  When you’re an only child, you learn a lot about what it means to be alone.  You learn to assume that the only one you can truly count on is yourself at an early age.  Anything you receive beyond that at any time is a gift.

We are on our own. So deal.

That realization is what helps survive these occasional hiccups. Every time I have to face difficulty alone it strengthens me more.  It validates my core belief system, and feeds my fearlessness, and confidence. It reminds me of what I can and cannot count on—keeps me in check and reels me back a little more from my enthusiastic desire to go overboard celebrating life with abandon.  The occasional “gifts” are what keeps my heart from turning completely hard and losing faith in others.

It’s just a lot harder when there’s so much difficulty to wade through all at once. It becomes easier when I focus on what’s possible at that moment, and simply let go of the rest.

Yes, I’ve most certainly crashed.

But I know I will bounce back to good health and get back on track with my normal life.

I’m confident I will weather this difficult storm out, catch up and start fixing what’s broken. Things are slowly improving daily. Projections for the future look great—at least on paper.

And I’m so very thankful, grateful, and appreciative for the ‘gifts’ of a few kind souls that so bravely reached out, butted in, and stuck close by me these last few months, helping make the impossible days all a little more bearable. Not sure where I’d be without you.  You are like angels, and the best gifts I’ve been given to help recover from being broke and broken.

Thank you for reading my post. Did it strike a chord for you or did it seem far and away from your own perspective?  I’d love to hear your thoughts!  All comments are greatly appreciated.  You can read about all sorts of ideas, opinions and feelings from the heart and soul of an outdoorswoman… there are lots of topics covered in my blog category, “Girl Outdoors”.  If you like what you see, please let me know by “liking” my website.  You can even join my tribe to automatically receive new postings ‘hot off the press’.  There’s a place to do that right on my website homepage.  As always, please feel free to share my information with others who may find interest and value in PR Brady AdVentures!  Thanks again!